not blue

I feel so blue, blue being the colour of sadness, why though i don't know cause blue to me represents water and sky, both symbols of infinity, but maybe that in itself is depressing, that feeling that you are nothing but a spec.  So blue can make you feel insignificant, or can be an offering of endless opportunity?

I digress, why so sad little one? I just cant seem to shake it off, i feel like i am drowning in a sea of indifference, that nobody gets it, i cannot believe how lonely i feel, how isolated.. I have done everything i can to connect, followed the mantra to a tee, i.e i wake up every morning and through the tears streaming down my face, tell myself i will be okay, i exercise, looking for that adrenaline that i have read should kick start the endorphins which is a naturally occurring feel good chemical, i reach out to my friends for a coffee, a drink, a laugh, i try to do the things that before used to make me so happy, eating in a good restaurant, shopping, reading? nothing is working!!

As i run, i cry, as i work, i cry, as i hang out with my friends, i run to the bathroom and cry, all music makes me sad, all TV makes me sad, i only watch news, other peoples misery or stupidity depending on the topic at hand, can at least numb me for a moment as i sit open mouthed at the rubbish being reported.

When will it end? i just want not even to feel happy, but to just not feel sad!!

I have cried out to God, i have prayed so many times and all i hear is silence, maybe we got it wrong, maybe all those who hear God's voice are actually nuts and all there is is resounding silence. What am i supposed to do with all this silence? Where is my help supposed to come from? It was supposed to come from the Lord...

My confidence has been eroded, i feel like a worthless human being, i don't hate myself yet, but i don't particularly like myself either.  ALL my choices have been wrong, how wrong i have been.  I am having a hard time accepting how wrong i have been because it means that i am fully a failure, its like if i accept that i am a failure, then what?  That i knew nothing? that i stood for nothing? That when push comes to shove, i am no different to that soldier in the DRC murdering and raping women, they do that based on an analysis of information where the only decision to be made is realised by the action they take.. Tsk, I am ashamed at the weakness of me revealed, i am disgusted.
Get a little painted