The fortress

Hatred, that emotion deep within you that evokes, a sense of negativity towards a person, situation or object.  I want to think on that evokes by a person, by what they did, said or implied in their actual words or action.  I believe that those who evoke the deepest hatred, at one time evoked the deepest love in us.  For the two emotions are in fact opposite sides of the same coin?  Those you love have the power to hurt you the most, this hurt is then easily manipulated by your emotions, leading to the only way your mind knows how to cope, Hatred.

This hatred then strengthens your resolve, it either becomes your crutch, or your salvation.
As your crutch, you use it to survive the memory of the hurt, every time the memory comes, it is banished to the confines of your mind, to the chest of hurt by sturdy crutch hatred.  At the moment of seepage however, before crutch hatred can come along and save you, you must re-live the pain, the hurt, you go through the experiences so intently, it can cripple you.

As you stretch your hand metaphorically or in actually involuntary reality, this reflex action then triggers crutch hatred.

You then become angry, the anger then feeds you energy, gives you strength, this strength then powers not just your emotional self, but even your physical self.  You become stronger, faster, your pupils dilate, your breath comes out faster and faster, your chest starts to heave, your brow is sweaty.  Funny how the adrenaline reaction of hatred is almost exactly the same as fear.  The end result i guess is the same.  Survival

 At this point you reach a decision, what do i do with my heightened sense, the age old fight, flight or fear. I can lash out at those around me - fight, i can lash inward and hurt myself - fear, or i can cry and let the anger out - flee ( or something close to that, can also be argued as fight).

Any one of the actions above shall leave me with all my energy dispensed, I am left drained.  Crutch hatred then sweeps the memory back into the chest and life goes on, to wait for the chest to be opened again.  How long I take to put it back in the chest reduces with time.  It has gone from a few days to a few hours.  I call it a crutch because every time i recover from this attack, i believe i am stronger.  I savour the fight, the memory strengthens my resolve.

"Never!" I proclaim, "I shall never get hurt like that again".  My wall is fortified.
" You cant come in " I shriek, howling like a banshee.  
"This is MY fortress, you will never enslave me again!"

I live for the fight , I don't fight to live anymore.  The fight defines my existence, my relevance.  Without the fight, I am nothing.  The fight is my crutch, the hatred is my crutch.
Hatred can also be my salvation.  It uses a lot of energy to stay alive.  Its intensity is directly equal to the energy flame directed towards it.  At the point of weakness, when the energy has been dispensed, and the choice is to be made, I can then decide to let it go.  The memory will never go away because the event happened.  To forget the event is to erase a memory, is to become less of me.

Instead, I learn the lesson and I accept that it cannot be changed.  The event has already happened and can be relegated to my past, it therefore does not have to be part of my present and future
This of course is all theory
I like my crutch hatred.
I hope one day it can go away and become my salvation.  Until then, it remains my fortress.
I dorne my warrior feathers and I defend my walls.

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free of me

I want to be free, free of me, free of my mind, free to be me, without they affecting me, crazy, that sounds, i know, but i have noted that there is me and me, that is, there is me who is free and hidden and there is me who is seen.

I wish the world could accept me, but me rules, is accepted, is dominant. We know of each others existence, but none is brave enough to stand aside and let the other rule. Me says that me will endanger we, but me says that me is already doing that by killing our spirit, by slowly moving away from who we truly are, we are dying.

So me and me must learn to co-exist, must learn to give each other time to be, for we must live not exist


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battles smiles

I look at you, you look at me, I smile, you smile, I raise my hand ever so slightly, I then look away and look back at you.. You are still smiling.
You then wink... My hear skips a beat, my temperature soars..

I get up, i need to put some physical distance between us.  I walk away and wonder if you will follow, will you sniff my trail?
I feel like I am lit aglow, that I am projecting so intently my desire for you, that all can see.  I definitely need to get away.

I get up and go to another room.

Whew, with distance comes reason.  I blush at my brazen wanton, the source of my heat changes.
I am embarrassed
"Oh God!" I gasp.. the shame cools my temperature

I go back to the room,
You look up and see me, you smile...
I start
Your smile then transforms from one of desire to one of knowing,

I know what you want, your smile tells me

I sigh,
My desire has become my prisoner,
I shrug my shoulders and sit down.

He has enslaved me, but I was a willing slave,
I want to take my shackles off,
You have me where you want, I think to him, but not where  I want

Let the war begin

I smile to you, it says, I decide, all you can do is request,
You look away, but not before I see the brief confusion in your eyes.  
The game has changed
The hunter has become the hunted

You clench your jaw, turn back to me and smile
A predatory smile
Game on you says
I smile and accepts

black, white, red, green

Kenya, i love you so much that sometimes it hurts, in the words of Roger whitiker, my land is Kenya, right from the highlands to the seas, when i think of all that you have to offer me, i must admit i sometimes get overwhelmed.
Today, you were reborn, today you were given the opportunity to start things anew, to change course in this often punishing world. Its been a long hard battle and not everyone gets this chance. Lets go Kenya lets go!!

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swirl

To swirl in a confined space creates violence with the item that is being swirled. The item works so hard to find its way out of the confinement.

Every wall it hits it gets sent back to the middle, swirl, the energy builds, the dash for escape starts, the wall gets hit, swirl, the violence builds and so on. But wait, who started the swirl, why is there a swirl, the item looks up and sees the stick that is perpetuating the swirl. Hey!! the item shouts, stop!! But the stick continues, swirl, swish, swirl, the stick continues to create violence in the confined space, swirl, then item then resigns itself to its fate, controlled by another, swirl.

Then suddenly the swirl stops, the item looks up, the stick is gone.
Peace returns

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Grey

Grey, that so captures how i am feeling today, washed out, confused and dejected. I am wondering how this could be. What went wrong?? I wonder what the implications are, what the repercussions anothers actions have directly on my life. I long to be free, to say and do what i must but for it to not have any impact another.

Is that a possibility? Can me joy happen and not impact another in either a negative or positive way? I wonder, its an interesting thing to pursue.
Grey today, i think and muddle through the problem hereby presented to me.

I can only keep faith that the lord my God shall keep me strong keep me going, and always remind me that Grey isn't really a colour

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Yellow courage

What is courage?  What is this word that requires us to do extraordinary things in an ordinary world, who then recognises courage?  

In the words of a friend of  mine, there is a thin line between courage and stupidity.  

Is it a stupid thing to jump into a rowdy crowd to rescue the source of their anger or is it courage.  Is it courage to jump into a raging storm to rescue someone who has gone overboard or is it stupidity, is it courage to stay silent when your own self is tortured or is it stupidity after all you shall endure all that pain and spill your guts anyway... The list is endless of so called heroes who at times of great need stopped and said NO!! enough is enough.  

The bible says "The Will of God never takes you where the Grace of God will not protect you." If this is true then i guess we can say God wills courage into us, to allow us to do all these extraordinary things.  As long as you believe that your actions are directed by Him, then your fear acts to fuel the fire not quench it.

In every day life we are asked to stand up and be who we are and not allow others to dictate the terms of who we are.  That we are all born equal in capacity but not in opportunity, and that by harnessing our capacities we can be oh so great and access these opportunities.

But herein lies the paradox, to be great, you must have courage.  

Courage to believe in who you are, to believe in what you are doing, to believe in where you are going.  To know that your actions are guided by the will of God, and that he shall protect you, all you have to do is be courageous enough to  trust in HIM.

the captains shore

Just as things are settling down, a shout is heard across the ship “Land Ho!!” shouts the scout. These words seem to have a profound effect on all persons on the ship. The crew take it as a sign that they have made it to safety, and thus reduce their diligence on the matters at hand, the passengers take is as a sign that they will make it to safety and thus decide to ignore some of the more scary warnings they have been given. The captain however is startled by the claim as he now tries to hastily identify which land this was and how he could safely navigate the ship to the shore without it breaking apart.

The boards are creaking, the steel is singing, the captain knows that the ship is doing all she can do to survive the storm. One big hit is all she needs to bring her down, more that ever he needs the crew to be on high alert. The Captain then thinks that he has identified the island and purposely strides out of the office to find some passengers back at the side of the ship. He's shock quickly turns to anger, What is this!! he shouts, he then turns to find some crew members have deserted their posts and are busy talking to each other. “Tom” he shouts “whats going on?” Tom then turns to him with a smile on his face “Captain, Land ho, did you not hear?” The captain shakes his head and wonders what has gotten into these people's heads. “Tom, the storm is still raging over our heads, what is the point of everybody hanging around doing nothing when the ship hasn't yet gotten out of the storm? Do you think that she will just find a safe shore by herself, have you forgotten everything that you were taught about the Ocean?” At this point the Captains eyes are bulging out of his head and his arms are flaying all over the place.

The visual has the effect of disconcerting some people especially the crew who had never seen their captain lose control in that manner. It also has a sobering effect on those crew member in his immediate vicinity as they realize that they really were not out of the woods.

The crew then start back to their stations when the girls mothers wails intensify. That could only mean one thing thinks the Captain as he rushes over to the ships side, and sure enough when he gets there he cannot not see both the girl and Marcus, he then turns to look for the line belonging to the lifesaver.

There it is, he can see the brightly colored end of the line being whipped into the ocean and steadily disappearing beneath the waves, but that wasn't what caused the girls mother to scream, it was that the cord had succeeded in wrapping itself around Marcus and was very successfully dragging him away from the girl, towards the ship and more directly towards the helm where Marcus nicely smacks his head, and consequently disappears from eye sight.

The calming effect that land ho has is thereby canceled and the original pandemonium returns. Well thinks the captain, if nothing else the crew will remember that they are in the middle of a bloody storm!

At the end of this thought he turns back to the crew as he realizes there is nothing he can do to save the girl and that any more concentration on her will lead to more lives being lost. He turns and and for a moment looks at the mothers with pity in his eyes then turns his head back to the task at hand.

The incident also has the effect of kicking in people's survival instincts. Its a me me situation after all. Only the girls mother is left looking at her daughter slowly go beneath the waves. Some of the passengers try to pull her away from the side of the ship in the belief that watching your daughter die is not the best way to preserve her memory, but she will not budge. After a few attempts they give as they must take care of themselves. Even the very vocal Mr. Brown is conspicuously silent as everybody waits for the captain to do his job.

With the crews attention on him, the captain is then able to slowly maneuver the ship towards the observed shore.

Coincidentally, the storm starts to abate giving the captain the opportunity to land the ship safely to shore, albeit extremely worse for wear.

At the shore the troupe of shipwreck survivors find a group of fishermen who had been watching the battle in the ocean in what came to be known as the leaf in the storm cup. The head fisherman has already organized a rescue, although at the point of organizing he was not sure there would be any rescue.

As the captain falls wearily to the ground he thanks God there were only two fatalities

As the girls mother falls wearily to the ground, she curses the captain for failing to save her daughters life and vows at that moment to ensure that he never forgets

As Mr. Brown falls wearily to the ground, he thanks God that he was not the captain, even though he thinks he could have done a better job

As the crew fall wearily to the ground, they thank God the captain was able to lead them into safety. Some of the crew know that they will never set foot on another ship, others think that they shall only ever sail with the captain and vow to follow him to the ends of the earth. The rest are just glad that they have made it

As the rest of the passengers fall wearily to the ground, they thank God they are alive. Some look at the lady who lost her daughter and avert their eyes when she turns to look at them. Others go to the crew and pat them on their back,shake hands and pump their fists in the air. One teenage boy looks at the Captain and vows that when he grows up, he will be the Captain of his own ship.

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Abalo's colours

Color me blue,
let me feel the breeze blow through,
color me yellow,
but dont make me mellow
color me pink,
did i forget everything but the kitchen sink
color me green
why are you so mean,
color me brown
im wearing my royal crown
color me orange,
i dont know what rhymes with that so...

lets pick up our paintbrushes and get a little painted!

The captains ship

The captain then turns his attention to the little girl whose mother is still wailing at the top of her lungs. He searches the ship for a lifesaver to toss to her to at ease her struggle and help her conserve some energy. “Tom!” shouts the captain, grab the lifesaver and toss it to the little girl. Make sure its securely tied to the ship!” Tom nods and rushes off to do what was required of him.
That sorted, the Captain goes back to his navigation charts to look for a way out of this storm. Tom comes back panting, “Captain!” he shouts, “the lifesaver is missing”. The captain for a few seconds does not seem to hear him. “Missing you say?” “Yes” shouts Tom. As the captain considers this he hears a shout from the side of the ship where the girl had gone over. As he rushes to where the commotion seems to be coming from he witnesses one of the crew throwing the very life saver over the side of the ship towards the little girl. As he runs towards the crew members side, the man turns to him with jubilation in his eyes, “Captain” he shouts “ I will save her”. The Captain then sees something that runs his blood cold. “Simon, did you secure the line?” Simon looks at him and as understanding dawns on his face, the violent storm sucks the line plus the lifesaver into the ocean.

The captain then turns to look for the other lifesaver. As he rounds the corner he sees yet another crew member carrying the other lifesaver in his hand and running towards the side of the ship where the little girl is at. The man then tugs at the line to ensure that its secured, then proceeds to put the life saver over his head. The Captain is running and screaming at the top of his lungs, “Marcus, NO” but the noise of the storm drowns out all the captains warnings and Marcus promptly jumps into the Ocean.

As Marcus's body disappears beneath the waves, the Captain is for a moment overwhelmed with the sense that things are going out of control all around him and there is nothing he can do. But the moment passes. The Captain takes a deep breath and starts to think again. Its seems to him that the girl in the ocean is taking all the attention and nothing is being done to secure the ship. This is further confirmed when he notices that all the crew and many passengers, the girls mother included, are lined along the ships side, and that the ship is tilting dangerously in that same direction. Well, this is not good he thinks, then sets about shouting orders. “You , you and you” he point at various crew members, “back to your stations immediately”, He then orders other crew members to ready the lifeboats and do a physical count of the passengers together with a safety brief once they have all been rounded up. He assigns two crew members to the two persons now in the ocean, keep your eye on them he shouts. When he looks out into the ocean he can see that miraculously, Marcus has made it to the little girl but their combined weight is a strain on the cord. It is however for the moment holding.

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Captains cross

There is a very violent storm off the coast of some random Island. The captain of the ship is doing everything he can to hold the crew and passengers together.

Suddenly someone falls into the ocean. Everybody's attention is now riveted on to the flaying arms of a 12 year old girl, struggling to keep her head above the water.

The captain of the ship cannot believe that this has happened on his watch, he was so careful, he had read all the navigation charts before setting off, he had a well trained and seasoned crew, it had been forecasted to be a relatively clear sky. What went wrong?? where did this storm come from.

The crew are also not helping the situation by throwing all their years of experience out of the window and are staring at him with a look of total hopelessness, looking to him for answers. And now this!! The mother of the girl is wailing at the top of her lungs which in itself is quite a feat considering the noise of the storm all around them.

The girl is being tossed and turned like a rag doll. The captain knows that in a matter of moments, she could go under the waves and there would be nothing more he could do for her. As he is thinking of what to do, one of the passengers approaches him.
“Captain” he says “I mean no disrespect but it doesn't seem like you have a plan for getting us out of this storm”
the Captain is incredulous, “I assure you that the interest of all passengers is my top most priority”
The man then seems to take a step back, consider what he has been told, then come back again
“ but sir, I feel that communication from you regarding the current state of matters as well as a plan for getting us out of this predicament would go a long way to assuring the passengers of your absolute and total control over the matters at hand” .
At this point the Captain recognizes that there are other forces at play here “Mr. Brown” the captain says “I thank you for your advise and shall definitely take it into consideration”.

Mr. Brown then leaves the Captain feeling that he has made a vital contribution towards the Captains decision and ultimately towards assuring his safe exit from this treacherous Ship.

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wow

been reading the most awesome blog and found this:

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up
to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you
refuse to let GO!!

my thoughts on reading this -

“Love is therefore a “decision”. Not just a feeling.”

The above quote is one of the best things that comes as close to describing relationships as it gets

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The shadow of my dreams is the pain of my life. It hovers over me, tantalising yet so far away, it torments me in the day and caresses me in the night. The shadow of my dreams is my love, he whispers his thoughts to me, encourages me when I'm down, laughs at my jokes and keeps the fire alive. Oh shadow of my dreams, so near yet so far, you are what i want, you are who i want. With you I am never alone, with you, i exist, with you the delusion that i am continues.

The truth is shadow, i should let you go, for none can be my love but you, but you are just a shadow my love, you exist as i exist. Touch me shadow and show me you are real, sing to me shadow that i may hear the song of our love, kiss me shadow that i may feel the heat of our love. I love you shadow, but i love myself, for you are me and without me you don't exist.

The shadow used to be real, i remember him, i hold on to him, he left, me the man, he said i was his, then he left me for another. The man left and the shadow remained. Shadow is mine. I paint the shadow the colour of my love, I love you shadow, i wrestle with you shadow, you are my strength but you are also my weakness.

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face

Something has been on my mind lately and that is the idea of beauty. What is this concept? So many studies have been done on this, on what is considered attractive and what isn't. I met someone who was so confident she just oozed sexuality and as a consequence beauty. I wonder what the function of looks is, i guess to help you get a mate, but if that was true, then why are there un-attractive people. Should God have just made all people attractive or if not, then made it in such a way that un-attractive people have so many other attributes that you don't notice they aren't attractive. Now that would be a fair world

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tunnels

I am confused. That is not a new state of mind at my current stage in life, but an assertion of a fact. Confused about who I am, where I am, where im supposed to be, where im going and all of that. I have prayed, fasted, talked, sang, cried, but the confusion persists. I have heard that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, well, at this point, all I am sure of is that there is a tunnel and that its dark. i feel like ive been travelling down this tunnel for so long, i probably would not recognise the light if i saw it... Isnt that a bleak thought. So what do I want at the moment? Well a torch would be nice, illumination of this darkness would be gladly and very warmly received.

I was born alone and i shall die alone, how i live however should not be alone. This to me is easier said than done, its so easy to make beautiful statements and frame them on the wall. Every day you wake up, look at the beautiful statement, beat your chest in acknowledgement and go on doing the every opposite of what it says. Its so easy to read, but to do is another question all together. So I want to do and stop reading. Its like people who read all those great motivational books, i don't get it, so you can quote a half the book, you can make a great speech, but can you DO??

I guess reading the above, the way to get the light in the tunnel is to start doing, activate some of my thoughts, if they work well and good, if they don't then i can count them off the list of things to do

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what a lovely face

The human mind is nothing if not vain, the human emotion is nothing if not egocentric. With these two I sum up human existence vain and egocentric as evidenced by the way a man woos a woman so easily with his words by appealing to her ego, "your so lovely" "you look hot" you turn me on, HA!! a well rehearsed line can earn both male and female many rewards. We are a fickle people, hurt me then add "I love you" and you are forgiven.
How the tongue deceives, how the ears love to listen. We ignore all that we know, we reject all that is taught and believe our ears instead. Listen don't hear, the truth is in the words, not the tongue

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the sky dims the clouds gather, a fine day for memories a fine day to remember. Its not always this way i think, i hope, i cling to the memories of what it was of what i had of who i was to remember who i am, where I'm going. Its not easy looking out of the window, the rolling clouds seem thicker every minute, i wonder what it wants me to remember. I see the eye in the middle of the storm, the false calm, the moment between. Oh!! there goes a clap of thunder, a flash of lightning illuminates the gloom, flash of hope, there is always a silver lining, there is always a light.
The sky clears, a moment of grey, then in between then blue, its lovely, the sun comes out, the birds begin to sing, a different sort of sound now fills the air, yes the storm is only for a moment for without it, how do i appreciate its end

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