The mixology of colour, the diversity, all 7 makes one and white is not even really a colour..

Hey its been a while.. from my last blog its clear i was going through a trauma... why has my recovery taken so long? my current analysis is that i was fighting so hard to go back to who i was before the trauma, i was looking for that girl, and i looked and looked and looked and came to the stark realization that she didn't exist any more.  She died.

The grief of that was immense!! i asked all the questions, why me, and i guess the age old answer, why not?? whats so special about me that i should be exempted from the randomness of misfortune, i had thought that my good deeds were the mark of X across the door for the angel of death to pass over my door  that by avoiding getting into trouble, not getting involved, living life according to the mantra "If you dont get involved, you dont get hurt".. HA!! the angel had a field day as he slashed and cut me, ensured that i hurt, that i suffered as he did his job and when he was done, i was dead.

As i lay there, i descended into hell, i hated the angel, oh how i hated him, i blamed him, ranted against him, and all the time as i sat there in hell, he just stared at me, with no expression, no matter the insults i threw at him, his expression did not change.  After a while i realised it would not change for he could not change who he was, he had no connection to me, he was created to take us to our death, and he did.

I then let go, let go of the hate towards him.. I slowly came to accept that i was dead.. I then grieved my life, grieved the loss of opportunity, grieved the time that i had lost to do all the things i had wanted to do with my life.  That stage lasted a looooong time.

Then the veil lifted with the number 33...I resurrected, i had battled death and i was given the opportunity to live again and i was no longer afraid. I now look at fear as a moment of hesitation that offers a breath, however,  you cant hesitate forever, you eventually have to move.  In that movement, you conquer fear.

Get a little painted

Re:

Hi! http://dodolino.ro/dt/830Work%20at%20home%20and%20achieve%20your%20first%20success84 Wed, 24 Apr 2013 21:29:33

not blue

I feel so blue, blue being the colour of sadness, why though i don't know cause blue to me represents water and sky, both symbols of infinity, but maybe that in itself is depressing, that feeling that you are nothing but a spec.  So blue can make you feel insignificant, or can be an offering of endless opportunity?

I digress, why so sad little one? I just cant seem to shake it off, i feel like i am drowning in a sea of indifference, that nobody gets it, i cannot believe how lonely i feel, how isolated.. I have done everything i can to connect, followed the mantra to a tee, i.e i wake up every morning and through the tears streaming down my face, tell myself i will be okay, i exercise, looking for that adrenaline that i have read should kick start the endorphins which is a naturally occurring feel good chemical, i reach out to my friends for a coffee, a drink, a laugh, i try to do the things that before used to make me so happy, eating in a good restaurant, shopping, reading? nothing is working!!

As i run, i cry, as i work, i cry, as i hang out with my friends, i run to the bathroom and cry, all music makes me sad, all TV makes me sad, i only watch news, other peoples misery or stupidity depending on the topic at hand, can at least numb me for a moment as i sit open mouthed at the rubbish being reported.

When will it end? i just want not even to feel happy, but to just not feel sad!!

I have cried out to God, i have prayed so many times and all i hear is silence, maybe we got it wrong, maybe all those who hear God's voice are actually nuts and all there is is resounding silence. What am i supposed to do with all this silence? Where is my help supposed to come from? It was supposed to come from the Lord...

My confidence has been eroded, i feel like a worthless human being, i don't hate myself yet, but i don't particularly like myself either.  ALL my choices have been wrong, how wrong i have been.  I am having a hard time accepting how wrong i have been because it means that i am fully a failure, its like if i accept that i am a failure, then what?  That i knew nothing? that i stood for nothing? That when push comes to shove, i am no different to that soldier in the DRC murdering and raping women, they do that based on an analysis of information where the only decision to be made is realised by the action they take.. Tsk, I am ashamed at the weakness of me revealed, i am disgusted.
Get a little painted

mechanical love

I sit and smile as you approach me, you look at me and then you look down, i see your body visibly adjust, its like your going into battle.

You look back at me and then you smile, you put your hand in mine and say come walk with me.  We move together, the motion of two blending into one.  We talk of life, we laugh, we talk of love, we share, my heart soars at the connection, at us. 

In that hour i conveniently forget the adjustment you made, but there are moments it seeps out, moments when you stare into space and your face has a look that says I would rather not be here, and then you shake yourself out of it, and turn to smile at me, almost to re-assure me.  I ask if everything is okay, you say yes, then its time for you to go, i love you , you say, but you don't look at me as you say these words. 

In that moment i know what this is, mechanical love, you said it because you know thats what i want to hear.  At that moment i also know i have to let you go..

Get a little painted

Yesterday someone very close to me said something so careless it stunned me. When pointed out, they quickly retracted their statement, but all the same, the damage had been done. When pressed as to why she made the statement her answer was that the individual had morally low values. My answer to that was so what? does a person with values different to your own deserve to be hurt? Does our definition of humanity depend on morality,or on DNA. If I am determined to be a person , and legally recognised as such, does that then not mean that what would hurt me would hurt another?

What shocked me is that this person who is very smart, very sensitive, could make such an insensitive statement just because the situation does not involve them, it got me thinking, to what degree are we as so called civilised society actually civilised.

Is it that the greater society has put in place so many rules and more importantly repercussions to breaking these rules that we are actually governed externally and not internally.

Does the neighbour who sees a potential crime happening in the neighbourhood call the police because its the right thing to do, or because they feel that if they do not, then when the crime is commited and the questions are asked later, they may be accused of being a bad neighbour. Does the person who gives money to an appeal do it because they genuinely want to help, or is it guilt alleviation

I think that we need to take a closer look at ourselves and ask what motivates us, fear or love, to act out of love is to be genuine in concern and action, to act out of fear is selfish as it smacks of self preservation.

What is civilisation, is it great cities, roads and greater pollution? True civilisation in my opinion is self actualisation, that village in some unnamed country that only has one car and three bicycles may be the one teach us what it means to truly love one another. What is morality but un unwritten code of behaviour, each society determines their own code, there is no global morality, only global humanity. In every country of the world, i am recognised as a person, so please i ask, judge me as you would like to be judged yourself

Get a little painted

prurple red

I am a little frustrated, i cant believe we are halfway through the year and nothing has changed.. I feel like if i see one more book or article on how I am the architect of change i will scream!! I know i have a contribution to the direction my life should be going, and that is why i am frustrated.. i can see the end, i know what i want, i even generated the road map on how to get there, but the obstacles are killing me!! I know they say life is not the end but the journey, but goodness me, cant this journey be a little easier.  Every time i thik i have got a breakthrough, i turn the corner and realise ive been walking down, not up.. Its like freaking the world through the looking glass, nothing makes sense..

At this point I'm just holding on to what i know and those around me who offer unwavering support to my dreams.  i admit though, they start to think of me as a dreamer "Oh that one, she's been talking about this for a couple of years now, but we love her all the same"... Nuff said.

 I need me a little inspiration, to paint my vision back to colour

Get a little painted

What do you do when what you want, what you desire, slips through your fingers. How do you stop it from going, should you even stop it?

Many times, I hear the phrase if you truly love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it was meant to be. How much of this is actual rubbish. Its unbelievable how many people have advise on how you should live your life. Even more unbelievable is how similar everyone advise is. Possibly because we have all been to the same schools, read the same books, been exposed to the same ideas, that our thoughts are basically the same, but how do it tell them they are wrong!!

No i am not single because i want to be, no I do not like being by myself, yes I crave intimacy. No I will not date that guy just because he thinks I'm hot. Its not enough damn it. Do I have no say in what my feelings are to this other person? Is it not a contradiction that a guy loves and pursues, but a girl receives and accepts? Should there not be a parameter through which I decide, Is that really asking too much? Goodness me, i didn't think it was that complicated. My good friend told me that for a relationship to happen, there must be a double coincidence of wants... I loved that, Its not just about one side wanting the other side, you must both want each other......

Where is the rule that says single people should accept every invitation that comes their way, is single synonymous with desperate?? Its absolutely ridiculous and a complete travesty to the idea of companionship.

I have vowed that I shall not be alone in a relationship, I think there is nothing sadder than that, that i love him and he likes me, no way, that is not why relationships were created. For me, its all about companionship, do we feed off each other, around him do i grow, around me does he grow, do we add value to each others lives....

NKT sometimes these questions just piss me of cause i feel that somewhere up there God is laughing his arse off saying he gave us the perfect plan and we had to go and complicate stuff by getting equality. The fact that I am educated means i know better and i think that is my moby dick, the ever consuming desire that shall never be quenched. Oh I shall never say never but continue to hope and pray (despite the comedian up there) that I am not mad, that I have the right idea about my life, that I know what I'm doing.

Get a little painted